This was good and hard to read. First, I’m so sorry for what happened to you and your wife. How utterly wrong and sinful it was for those who claimed to be shepherds to abuse you that way. I could say a lot more about how well I think you’re reading that episode in John 9, but I have way too many words for a comment. 😉 I was driven out of my role as the women’s ministry leader at an A29/SBC church last year, after 10 years giving our lives and hearts to that community. All the dynamics are the same. In the end I realized it didn’t matter how long I talked or how truthfully I named what was going on -- they weren’t ever going to listen. May Christ have mercy on them.
Hoping you and your wife are finding some measure of healing and comfort.
Ugh, why is that such a common story? I’m sorry for you as well. My wife majored in women’s ministry in college. While I know she was somewhat prepared to be a woman in a man’s world, I don’t think they covered any of these dangers 🫣. Lord have mercy indeed. Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to share!
Excellent article Aaron! I’d been curious to hear the story of how you and your family were abused, but I sensed you might write about it sooner or later, so I didn’t push you.
I love how you applied the narrative in John to your story. I think these kinds of applications of scripture are the most helpful and most memorable. Practical theology at the coal face... application of scripture to the margins of the wound, where healing can best take place. (I used to be a nurse so wound management is an analogy that quickly comes to mind.)
So painful an account to read, I am sure 100 times more painful to live through. I know you didn’t write it for sympathy but I am sorry. Very valuable John 9 thoughts. A warning to me as a leader not to engage in these ways, and to be watchful of others. Grace and peace, friend.
My favorite verse comes in John 9:25 when the blind man simply repeats what he knows and admits what does not know. The Pharisees accuse Jesus as "a sinner." The blind man responds, " If he is a sinner, I do not know. One thing I do know is that I was blind and now I see." It is as if the blind man was struck by pure truth. Truth is not complicated. One simply tells what he knows and leaves it at that. Lies, manipulation, and coersion are complicated and driven by fear of the unknown. The blind man at this point had no idea who Jesus was. The Pharisees try to create context that just isn't there and are refuted by the simplicity of the blind man. Simple yet powerful in effect. Another good reading Aaron. Thanks and peace to you and yours.
You have written and shared your tragic story so well, thank you. It’s so helpful to see these abusive behaviors spelled out alongside of John 9. That Aquinas quote about how they say one thing and mean another is so interesting, especially when he mentioned sorcery. It also reminded me of Isaiah 66:5 where The Spiritually Elite of the day also say, as they kick people to the curb, “Let the LORD be glorified.”
When you find the wholeness you lost, again, the pain will go away... (speaking from experiences; though the losses can be recurring if the community is centered on the same flawed theology that led to the separation to begin with).
Particularly when it involves the loss of friendships and relationships.
We are empowered to love by the indwelling Spirit of God; and as Jesus shows us (in John's gospel), the culmination of HIS reaching out to twelve men and loving them as He discipled them, resulted in His friendship with them-except for one.. one resisted the love of God Himself directed at him... so keep that in mind and be gentle with yourself.
God gives us a wonderful gift of allowing us to be 'fountains of the Life Giving Spirit", who wells up in us to enable us to LOVE others, well! I've developed very impactful friendships, by reaching out to men I met who were hurting badly because of difficult physical trials. I've also experienced betrayal by a man I considered my best friend... and the more difficult problem of 'lukewarm apathy' we're warned against in Revelation-the sin of the Laodiceans. that subtle deceit that ablates love, is harder to overcome.
Look for 'communion of the saints', God Himself has told us that 'loving your neighbor as yourself' is most important. So there will be some God provides, who do this and become your community again.
Such a difficult question. I find comfort in knowing others are asking it as well. This song “How Long” by Jon Guerra has been encouraging lately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvrKrdXQsrw.
How long How long
Will the weight be this heavy? How long How long
Can we bend till we break? 'Cause the rain isn't good till it's falling
This was good and hard to read. First, I’m so sorry for what happened to you and your wife. How utterly wrong and sinful it was for those who claimed to be shepherds to abuse you that way. I could say a lot more about how well I think you’re reading that episode in John 9, but I have way too many words for a comment. 😉 I was driven out of my role as the women’s ministry leader at an A29/SBC church last year, after 10 years giving our lives and hearts to that community. All the dynamics are the same. In the end I realized it didn’t matter how long I talked or how truthfully I named what was going on -- they weren’t ever going to listen. May Christ have mercy on them.
Hoping you and your wife are finding some measure of healing and comfort.
Ugh, why is that such a common story? I’m sorry for you as well. My wife majored in women’s ministry in college. While I know she was somewhat prepared to be a woman in a man’s world, I don’t think they covered any of these dangers 🫣. Lord have mercy indeed. Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to share!
Excellent article Aaron! I’d been curious to hear the story of how you and your family were abused, but I sensed you might write about it sooner or later, so I didn’t push you.
I love how you applied the narrative in John to your story. I think these kinds of applications of scripture are the most helpful and most memorable. Practical theology at the coal face... application of scripture to the margins of the wound, where healing can best take place. (I used to be a nurse so wound management is an analogy that quickly comes to mind.)
Thanks so much Barbara. Yes, I’ve been intentionally waiting to share more publicly. And I really appreciate that metaphor, very good.
Wound healing -- a guest post from my blog.
https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2012/12/02/wound-healing/
I had something similar happen (though not as severe). I am so sorry this happened and grateful you are writing about it and raising your voice
Sorry for you as well, Susy, thanks so much for your encouragement.
So painful an account to read, I am sure 100 times more painful to live through. I know you didn’t write it for sympathy but I am sorry. Very valuable John 9 thoughts. A warning to me as a leader not to engage in these ways, and to be watchful of others. Grace and peace, friend.
Thanks, John. Means a lot, especially coming from a pastor.
My favorite verse comes in John 9:25 when the blind man simply repeats what he knows and admits what does not know. The Pharisees accuse Jesus as "a sinner." The blind man responds, " If he is a sinner, I do not know. One thing I do know is that I was blind and now I see." It is as if the blind man was struck by pure truth. Truth is not complicated. One simply tells what he knows and leaves it at that. Lies, manipulation, and coersion are complicated and driven by fear of the unknown. The blind man at this point had no idea who Jesus was. The Pharisees try to create context that just isn't there and are refuted by the simplicity of the blind man. Simple yet powerful in effect. Another good reading Aaron. Thanks and peace to you and yours.
The blind man’s testimony is so powerful and encouraging. Thanks for those thoughts Guy.
This is really good!
There's a web site on toxic leadership that has a lot of good information:
https://pearlsandswinesite.com/
Thanks Bill. That is a great site indeed, the creator/writer is a friend and faithful advocate.
You have written and shared your tragic story so well, thank you. It’s so helpful to see these abusive behaviors spelled out alongside of John 9. That Aquinas quote about how they say one thing and mean another is so interesting, especially when he mentioned sorcery. It also reminded me of Isaiah 66:5 where The Spiritually Elite of the day also say, as they kick people to the curb, “Let the LORD be glorified.”
Hear the word of the LORD,
you who tremble at his word:
“Your brothers who hate you
and cast you out for my name’s sake
have said, ‘Let the LORD be glorified,
that we may see your joy’;
but it is they who shall be put to shame.
Come Lord Jesus! We need your mercy.
Thanks Julie. And great catch with Isaiah 66:5, John/Jesus actually allude to that verse in John 16:2, as mentioned in this post: https://www.aaronjhann.com/p/hermeneutics-for-spiritual-abuse.
Thank you, Aaron. Well written and so true to my situation.
It’s bittersweet knowing these words resonate, Anna. I’m sorry to hear they fit your story. Thank you for reading and sharing.
It has been almost a year since the ordeal began and six months since we left our church. I wonder when the pain will go away.
When you find the wholeness you lost, again, the pain will go away... (speaking from experiences; though the losses can be recurring if the community is centered on the same flawed theology that led to the separation to begin with).
Particularly when it involves the loss of friendships and relationships.
We are empowered to love by the indwelling Spirit of God; and as Jesus shows us (in John's gospel), the culmination of HIS reaching out to twelve men and loving them as He discipled them, resulted in His friendship with them-except for one.. one resisted the love of God Himself directed at him... so keep that in mind and be gentle with yourself.
God gives us a wonderful gift of allowing us to be 'fountains of the Life Giving Spirit", who wells up in us to enable us to LOVE others, well! I've developed very impactful friendships, by reaching out to men I met who were hurting badly because of difficult physical trials. I've also experienced betrayal by a man I considered my best friend... and the more difficult problem of 'lukewarm apathy' we're warned against in Revelation-the sin of the Laodiceans. that subtle deceit that ablates love, is harder to overcome.
Look for 'communion of the saints', God Himself has told us that 'loving your neighbor as yourself' is most important. So there will be some God provides, who do this and become your community again.
Such a difficult question. I find comfort in knowing others are asking it as well. This song “How Long” by Jon Guerra has been encouraging lately: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvrKrdXQsrw.
How long How long
Will the weight be this heavy? How long How long
Can we bend till we break? 'Cause the rain isn't good till it's falling
And your grace isn't good till it's spent
How long How long
Which article by Weitnauer were you referring to? The king took me to his Substack but not to any specific article.
There’s a link right after his name which goes to Twitter.